


An Eg-Strilad Sandwich

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Consensual Somnophilia, Dorks in Love, Ectobiological Incest, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Other, Polyamory, Sex Tapes, Sibling Incest, Somnophilia, Threesome - M/M/M, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 17:53:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11468646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A series of semi-connected stories about two vanilla dorks and one kinky Strider. (aka the spicier parts of their domestic life)





	An Eg-Strilad Sandwich

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nuclearwinter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearwinter/gifts).



> ...I am not sorry for the title. Not sorry at all.
> 
> So when I read your prompt, nuclearwinter, the first thing I thought of was a series of kinky oneshots that hit your requests, so sorry if you wanted something with all the kinks mashed together; my kink-tier is simply too low for that.
> 
> Regardless, enjoy! (Chapter 2 is going to be watersports, btw)
> 
> In case I didn't clarify it well enough in the fic, it's all consensual even if Dirk's asleep for it.

It had finally happened. After three intense nights of Dirk Strider working long and hard -- not on his boyfriends, no, but on _robotics_ of all things -- he had finally crashed. He was nearly losing his concentration due to exhaustion, and had even cut his customary hour-long shower to a mere twenty minutes, after which he’s crashed into bed completely in the nude with his hair still damp.

The _whump_ echoed through the can he lived in, but Dirk was already too asleep to give a single fuck…

...much unlike the two boys on the couch downstairs. The sound of Dirk crashing into bed drew a scheming smirk and an excited grin from Dave and John, respectively. John’s grin only widened when Dave wordlessly held up three cases: _Con Air_ , _National Treasure_ , and _Been Movie_. Dave had calculated that the movies and any breaks between them would last long enough for Dirk to get a few sleep cycles in before he would be interrupted during a REM stage by Dave and John. Dirk had been oddly particular about timing when they'd discussed his kink, but he hadn't clarified beyond linking a bunch of articles on their group chat, articles that John hadn't found the time to go through yet. 

Despite being so particular about timing, Dirk had been mum on the date. He'd claimed that he would be able to fall asleep knowing that'd be wake up to being breakfast in bed or something. But, man, was Dirk in for some interesting dreams.

Dave, in the name of irony, popped in _Bee Movie_ first. As the movie began, he leaned in toward John with his hand cupping John’s cheek like he was going in for a kiss. John smiled softly and shoved Dave’s shades into his hair to catch his gaze. Blue met red like RvB, and Dave breathed in, starting to speak in a husky, sensual voice.

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its-”

John surged forward to press his lips to Dave’s to staunch the flow of memefuckery. As if expecting John to respond that way, Dave kissed back, smoothly navigating the rather large buckteeth. He felt fingers twine into his pale blond hair, then a strong gust of wind lift him and deposit him into John’s lap; he was safely cocooned between the wind and a hard place.

Idly, he rocked his hips down toward John. He wasn’t really worked up yet, but initiating full frontal contact was never bad. Dave, despite his aloof presentation, craved physical contact.

John stopped him before he could escalate the situation, gently but firmly holding Dave still with a solid and comforting grip.

“Nuh-uh, Dave! Do you really want to spend the next few hours with blue balls while staring at Nic Cage’s face?”

Dave shuddered theatrically, then turned so that he could lean back against John’s chest. “First of all, hell no. A single sighting of ol’ Nic’s mug can deflate my dick faster than an emo teenager who just got told that the local Hot Topic was shutting down. Second of all, you’re totally teasing me. What even was up with that wind? Tryin’ to sweep me off my feet and straight into your lap, huh, Egbert?”

“You know, I don’t think what’s up is the wind. I think it’s your dick, d-”

“And I think it’s your shut the fuck.”

A moment passed before understanding dawned on John’s face. He laughed brightly, then wrapped his arms around Dave’s torso like he would a body pillow. His chin rested nicely on the other boy’s shoulder, and the two quieted down momentarily to watch Barry the bee make questionable life choices.

An hour and a half later, John was dozing off despite the anticipation of what was to come. Or rather, who was to come. In his sleep.

Dave crawled off of John, then floated over to put in _National Treasure_ and start it. For all that John had loved this film as a young teen, it was just a good movie and a nice bit of nostalgia now. AS soon as Dave returned to the couch, John decaptchalogued a blanket over both their shoulders and leaned heavily into Dave, who pulled out his phone and started scrolling through it.

A quick glance revealed that is was a wall of text about somnophilia, but John sure as hell wasn’t going to crane his head at that awkward angle any longer to see more. Dave was allowed his weird quirk of looking every damn thing up on Wikipedia, then presumably delving deep into an informational rabbit hole.

John, lightly asleep while wrapped up in a blanket and one of his boyfriends, didn’t even notice Dave briefly leaving to pop in _Con Air_. Despite Dave’s initial distaste for the movie, he had grown to tolerate it over the years -- if not for its sheer meme potential then for the positive, john-related memories he had. 

t was not until the timeless, soulful strains of “How Do I Live” reached John’s ears that he awoke. His response was almost Pavlovian -- John Egbert _always_ perked up at that song.

As LeAnn Rimes sang on while Cameron Poe reunited with his loving wife and daughter, John sat up straight and stretched, letting the sleepiness leave his body. Dave stirred beside him and made a kind of confused sound. Adorable. And very kissable, so John leaned over to do just that: kiss Dave awake. He kept the kiss sweet for a moment, then suddenly poked Dave in the side. The blond curled over in shock, then whacked at John halfheartedly.

“Dude. Rude awakening much?”

“Hey, I kissed you awake, you were just being slow, mister Strider speed.” John stuck out his tongue teasingly, and Dave smirked before licking it and sucking it into his mouth. John spluttered in shock, and Dave pulled back to poke his cheek. His astonished expression was just too good.

“Aight, hold on. Lemme go check on ‘im.”

Dave stood and flashstepped silently to Dirk’s room. He flicked a few strands of Dirk’s hair out of his face, marveling at how soft and open Dirk looked. His eyelids were vibrating ever so slightly in REM sleep; his breathing was even and relaxed. He looked heatwrenchingly lovely, with the pale plane of his body stretched out on the sheets. As Dave’s gaze trailed down Dirk’s body -- the way his chest rose and fell with each breath; the way the movement rippled subtly through his body -- it was inexorably drawn to the apex of his thighs. Almost subconsciously, Dave licked his lips, then shook his head and pulled out his phone to pester John.

TG: where making this hapen 

A moment later, a pair of arms sneaked around Dave’s middle briefly before John kissed Dirk, who didn’t even stir. Dave popped his phone into a clamp on the shelf and angled it so that it’d be focused on the bed, set his shades next to it, then started to record a video. He then gently crawled into the bed and settled himself between Dirk’s legs.

He looked up, up to where John, who was already completely nude, was going to town on Dirk’s jaw and neck. A light flush was spreading down his chest, painting Dirk’s pale skin a delectable pink. Dave smiled, fully intending to accelerate the spread of that flush across Dirk’s skin faster than another fidget toy sweeping across a nation.

He pulled out a small bottle of apple juice-flavoured lube from his sweatpants pocket and slathered it on Dirk’s still-limp cock. It wasn’t strictly necessary; his saliva would easily do, but damn did it taste good. Dave held the dick almost reverently and pressed a kiss to its head, then licked up the shaft. Not only did it taste good, but Dave had always found it fascinating to feel someone harden and grow in his mouth. He didn’t usually get to feel that, though; Dirk got worked up really easily and John was, well, a shower and not a grower.

A quickly-suppressed giggle came from the side of the bed, so Dave reluctantly removed his face from Dirk’s semi and looked up.

“John. What the fuck. No.”

The prankster quickly took Dirk’s fingers out from the glass of presumably warm water. “I just wanted to see if it’d work!”

Dave sighed and returned to his mission of getting Dirk up to a full salute. Judging from the way Dirk was starting to squirm and breathe heavily, his dreams were _definitely_ heating up.

Really, Dirk was just conflicted. He’d been dreaming about horseback riding, and then, out of nowhere, John and Dave had just...appeared...and sandwiched him between their bodies. His dick was nestled against John’s nice ass, and every step of the cantering horse squished the three of them together and provided delicious friction. However, Dirk was getting worried about their combined weight as well as what poor, dear Mapledash was having to witness.

John and Dave, of course, had no idea of this dream; they were only able to see Dirk’s increasingly evident arousal. The plan was to get him off and then abscond, leaving no indication of the shenanigans that had down. Only in the morning would they show Dirk the video, presumably heavily edited. In fact, John had already recorded a piano backtrack for the video. It was going to be _epic_.

Dave was slowly trying to fit Dirk’s length all the way down, and John was going to town on his nipples, when Dirk suddenly cried out, jerking his torso upwards. John sprang back to avoid biting him, and Dave just froze. 

“Mornin’. Can’t say I was expecting to wake up to this, nice, nice. 9/10, though. Not enough horses.”

In the ensuing silence, Dave pulled off with a ‘pop’ that resounded through the room. “Dude, why.” Dave’s voice was hoarse. Horse. Ha.

“Horses, man. That’s why.” Dirk was too sleepy to think of a more coherent response, but he was spared from having to do so by John, who interjected with “So. Any chance you could go back to sleep?”

“Nah. Can’t exactly pass out again with such an intriguing show going on in front of me. Besides, what can I say? It’s better to be both aroused and roused.”

Dave patted his thigh to catch his attention, then, without breaking the eye contact, sucked his dick down again. Now awake, Dirk was far more responsive; rather than just squirming, one of his hands clenched in Dave’s hair and his back arched as he cried out.

John, gathering that an awake Dirk would react in far hotter ways, leaned down to claim his open mouth in a rather messy kiss. He shifted his body so that he was on his hands and knees, hald over Dirk with his legs next to Dave’s shoulders.

Out of his peripheral vision, Dave caught the movement of John’s dick bobbing slightly as he moved. He groaned, around Dirk, then pulled off just enough to speak. “Egbert, is there any way you could be _more_ tempting? Your dangly bits are just hanging there like a low-hanging sausage, and I can’t suck two dicks at once, I’m not an oreo, I can’t be double-stuffed.”

He could see the unamused face John pulled at him with his head upside down. Ironically shitty euphemisms ftw. Then Dirk tugged at his hair, frowning.

“Come on, man. I’m sure the mattress loves your attention, bro, but unlike you, I can be double-stuffed. In fact, that’s totally what I’m asking for. Stuff me like a puppet.”

“Ew”, Dave and John said nearly simultaneously. Neither of them were particularly fond of puppets, especially in a concupiscent setting. With a start, Daveee stilled his hips. He’d been unaware that he’d been rutting against the mattress until Dirk pointed it out. His sweats were starting to chafe, too, so he captchalogued all his clothes directly off of his body without separating himself from Dirk.

“Um, what do you mean? About the, uh, double-stuffing part, not the puppets, because that’s just. No” John asked, voicing the question on Dave’s mind. The whole two-dicks-in-one-hole thing had never really stuck with the three of them.

Dirk sighed dramatically, ruffling John’s ever-messy mop of hair. “Even half-asleep, do I have to be the smart one here?” Dave pulled his head up and nodded empathetically. Dirk patted his head too, then continued “How often do you get me pliant and half asleep? Fuck. Me.”

He didn’t continue explaining, merely shifting his hips up to give Dave a rather nice view of his ass and then pulling John’s hips toward his face until John got the message and moved himself. His dick nudged against Dirk’s lips and Dirk took him in. John twitched toward the warm wetness of Dirk’s mouth, but, for the most part, he held still.

Dave decaptchalogued the apple juice lube again and pressed a finger to Dirk’s entrance. He kind of wanted to rim him -- sue him for his oral fixation -- but alas, next time. “Ay, earth to ponyboy. Thumbs up if this is what you want.”

He got a double thumbs up, so he slicked up his finger and slipped in, unable to suppress a gasp at how little resistance he met. Dirk _really_ hadn’t been lying about still being relaxed. Dave quickly slid another finger into Dirk as his dick twitched at the thought of being inside of him. God, he kind of wanted to _be_ Dirk right now -- both getting fucked and sucking someone off. Who would have thought Striders to be so subby?

Dave scissored the two fingers, feeling Dirk stretch and tremble around him. Not long after, he added a third finger, aiming at Dirk’s sweet spot, and watched as his cock strained and leaked a dribble of pre. There was still, surprisingly, minimal resistance from Dirk’s walls, so Dave stopped worrying and lined himself up to slide into Dirk. The heat and pleasure briefly overwhelmed him, making him curl forward with a breathy moan.

He wasn't the only overwhelmed one; Dirk was quickly heading there too. John had finally understood and started fuckinhg his mouth, more-or-less using Dirk's mouth for his own pleasure -- exactly what Dirk wanted. Dirk could gasp in a breath whenever he needed to, and that made it far easier for him to stay relaxed enough to let John into his throat. He squirmed and clenched his ass tight around Dave, urging him to move harder, faster.

And that he did. The head of Dave's dick slammed around Dirk's prostate every other thrust and Dirk found himself relinquishing his trio on John's ass to grasp the sheets tightly. Being dominated so hard by both of his boyfriends made him feel loved in the weirdest way and really got to him. It took the majority of his self-control to not jizz himself then and there, completely untouched. Despite being in such a powerless position, Dirk still had that strange need to maintain control of _something_ he was determined to hold out until both John and Dave came.

It wouldn't be long now,anyways; John was already starting to stutter out of pace, and he could feel the way his dick was twitching madly. Dirk drew in a larger breath of air, preparing to receive a large load of heir, then relaxed his throat, one hand flying up to hold John to prevent him from pulling out. John's breath hitched, rn he thrust forth once more and stilled, entire body trembling. Dirk felt the spurts of liquid down his throat and clenched his eyes shut. It was unbearably hot.

He took deep breaths as soon as John pulled out, but then all the air left his lungs in a drawn-out moan as Dave slammed his prostate head-on. John stroked Dirk's hair, eyes fixed on where Dave was slamming into him almost frantically, and his dick, flushed and leaking all over his abdomen.

Almost as if in a trance, John reached out toward him. Dirk knew exactly what was coming, but couldn't react quickly enough to stop it. The contact of John's hand to the over-sensitised head of his cock was all it took to make Dirk arch up toward him. The friction pushed him over the edge and he screamed out as he came. He was too out of it, swept up in the waves of orgasm, to feel even the slightest bit embarrassed at losing himself so easily. He thrashed and clenched around Dave, then the pleasure overwhelmed him and he whited out.

When he came to, Dave was idly running his hand across Dirk's chest, making a mess of the semen there.

"Sup", Dirk greeted, unsurprised at how raspy his voice was.

" Hey, dude. You good?"

Dirk sat up, then squirmed with a whimper when he felt fluid trickling out of his as. He glared at the obvious perpetrator, who was slowly turning red.

"Yeah, um. Sorry about that. Aside from me forgetting to wrap it, you're fine right? B-t- w, John got the bath going for when you wake up." So saying, Dave slid his arms under Dirk's back and thighs, then grunted as he picked him up, bridal style. One of Dirk's hands flew to his ass, and he clenched tight so he wouldn't accidentally leak and make a mess.

He was handed off to John when they reached the bathtub, full of bubbles and the artificial scent of citrus. Dirk felt a bit bad about allowing the semen inside him to just flow out into the water, but relaxed anyways and leaned back into John.

John pressed a kiss to the side of Dirk's head and then started lathering up Dirk's hair with the bubbles in the tub. While Dirk normally would have protested that treatment of his hair, he was too tired to protest and, besides, Dave running the sponge over his skin felt way too soothing.

"So what was up with the sudden, uh, change of plan?" John asked, a bit obliquely.

"Yeah, man. 'sup with the sudden submissiveness? You were subbier than a subway sandwich store stuck in a submarine".

Dirk flailed his hand at Dave before he could embark on another tangent. "Saw the opportunity and took of. I mean, you two were going to spoil the shit out of me anyways , so it's not like there was too much deviation from the original plan, right?

He caught a flicker of emotion (a mischievous grin?) on Dave's face before Dave chuckled a bit nervously. " Yeah, yeah, no deviation at all-"

"-We're just deviants! All three of us!" John finished, rescuing Dave from Dirk's piercing orange haze and probably preventing him from revealing something he shouldn't.

"Yeah, that", Dave agreed, then dunked his head underwater to get rid of the shampoo in his hair. Dirk didn't respond, he just twisted back to catch sight of John about to turn on the shower. John got the water on, then stood up and pulled Dirk with him.

Dirk let the water rinse over him, then relaxed into John's arms because why the hell not. John didn't even have to strain to hold Dirk; not only did he love holding either one of his boyfriends, his years of wielding hammers had bulked his shoulders and arms up.

Dave got out, turned the water of, then haphazardly dried off before doing the name to Dirk and John. Under the pretense of drying John's hair and back, he encircled both of them in his arms. And then he shattered the pretense by nuzzling into Dirk's neck and mumbling a soft "I love you", of course directed at both of his boyfriends.

In response, John slipped his arms around Dave’s back, sandwiching Dirk between their bodies. He giggled, unfairly adorable. “I love you both!” he exclaimed, then started off toward the bedroom to drag Dirk into bed. Dave flopped on the two of them a moment later and immediately assumed the role of the big spoon with John, despite being shorter.

Naturally, John cuddled Dirk up to his chest and shoved his face into his hair. Dirk sighed contentedly. “You dorks, I love both of you”, he whispered as the warm body behind him and the soft sheets around him lulled him to sleep.

* * *

Days passed, and then, out of nowhere, Dave and John burst into his workshop and insistently tried to get Dirk into Dave’s studio. A bit bewildered, and reeling from the robotics-induced stupor he’d worked himself into, Dirk just said still in the chair he was pushed into, eyes scanning the room to try to read the situation.

Soon enough, Dave got a video going. Piano music emitted from the speakers, and then the words ‘i warned you about dirks bro!’ flashed across the screen -- red comic sans surrounded by a cloud of sparkles.

Dirk looked questioningly at his grinning boyfriends. Dave just shrugged. “So, this was the original plan, but then somebody decided the land of dreams and blowjobs wasn’t appealing enough.”

Dirk would have replied in an equally snarky tone, but then the piano background music was replaced by a voiceover: Dave’s monotone. On screen, Dirk could see his own sleeping figure, then, moments later, Dave creeping into his bed.

“Ah, look at this beauty! This is the Dirkus Striderus in his natural habitat. What a fantastic opportunity to...”

Dirk’s face met his hands, the gesture of exasperation masking his reddening cheeks and besotted grin.


End file.
